Putting the Pieces Back
by BlueFern
Summary: Journey into healing minds. Takes place after Same Time, Same Place. Spike/Buffy
1. Shattered

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
**Written by BlueFern**  
  
_Takes place after Same Time, Same Place_  
  
**Shattered**  
  
She was looking down. The blood dripped off her hands. There was so much.   
  
"Why do you do this?"   
  
She turned her gaze toward the speaker. A man with deep blue eyes stared at her.  
"What." She had no idea what he was talking about.   
Where was she? Who was this man? What happened to her?   
  
He sighed and pulled her up from the floor. She was cold. His touch was even colder.  
She looked into his eyes. Full of fear and concern.   
He led her down a hallway. Seemed more like a tunnel.  
It was so dark and cluttered.   
He was muttering to himself. She couldn't really make out the words.  
  
The blood had stopped flowing.   
  
They went up some stairs where he stopped at the door.  
He looked back, past her, into the darkness.  
"Go away! I will be right back! She needs to go home and I am taking her!"  
  
He pulled her through the door into a brighter corridor.   
Seeing the lockers and classrooms, she realized they were in a school.  
Thank goodness she had stopped bleeding or it would have been all over the floor.  
  
They continued to walk.  
She looked at the strange man once again. He seemed tired.  
His shirt was ripped and his hair was a mess.   
Was she dreaming? Was this real? Was she real?  
  
They were outside now. It was a dark night. The air was moist and it felt good against her skin.  
He had hardly touched her during the walk.   
Only now and then taking her arm to lead her around something.  
And had said a few things she could not hear.  
She didn't know where he was taking her or how long it took to get there.  
The next thing she knew they were in front of a door at a house.  
He lightly knocked then turned to look at her quickly before the door opened.  
"Oh thank God! Dawn! Where have you been? What did you do? Not again!"  
A blond woman stood in front of her, anger and obvious relief easy to read in her expression.  
She turned to the man. He wasn't looking at her.   
She returned her gaze to her. "Come on."  
She took her hand and carefully brought her into the house.  
  
He followed. Silent.  
Sitting on a couch while she was bandaged, she watched as the man stood near the door.  
He observed them both quietly and with affection.  
  
The woman got up and left the room. The man following.  
  
~  
  
She knew he would follow her. They had a silent understanding about certain things.  
She stopped at the kitchen counter and waited till he was in the doorway.  
  
He never really got close to her anymore.  
  
"Where?" she said.  
"In the basement." He replied.  
"How long?"  
"Uh maybe three minutes." He said with a hint of shame.  
"Thank you."  
"I should have gotten to her sooner." He insisted.  
  
She knew he came as soon as he possibly could have.  
Luckily Dawn never really ever made the cuts that deep.  
  
She turned and waited.  
"I know she has done this before but I don't know why." He stated.  
"Neither do I. I wish I did. I want my sister to stop hurting herself."  
She hated having to take care of her mother when she wasn't herself.  
Now she was doing the same for her sister.  
She couldn't stand knowing she was powerless.  
Things had been so bad for everyone. When was it ever good?  
Everything changes and usually not for the better.  
  
She could see that he was fighting to keep himself together in front of her.  
She had destroyed this beautiful creature and had no idea how to fix him.  
Everyone she cared for suffered. And sometimes even by her own hands. Especially him.  
But she had not done anything to Dawn except love and protect her. And now, she too, was broken.  
She didn't know how to show Dawn that she was important and real.   
  
"The headmaster is going to be cross." She heard him whisper.  
  
"Yes, you should get going." She answered quietly. "See you tomorrow, Spike."  
  
He turned and walked out the still open door. He shut it carefully.  
  
She felt like crying. How can she fix someone else when she herself was still so shattered inside?  
She desperately wanted to help him but had no idea how to even begin.  
But with Dawn it was simpler, usually.  
Get her to bed and in the morning she would be better.  
  
She remembers the first time her sister cut herself. Dawn wanted to know if she was real.  
Did she really think that bleeding herself proved anything besides that she was scared and confused?  
  
But why was she doing it now?  
  
Dawn would heal rapidly, thanks to her seeming to have Slayer's blood in her.   
But it was still horrible to know that her sister was hurting that badly inside, that she had to show it on the outside.  
Why wouldn't she talk to her?   
  
She returned to the living room to find Dawn still sitting on the couch.  
"Let's get to bed, sweetie." She coaxed.  
~  



	2. Care

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
Written by BlueFern  
  
**Care**  
  
Things were getting clearer. She was warm now.  
The woman had given her very comfortable clothes to sleep in.  
Her arms hurt. But she guessed that was to be expected. They had been bleeding after all.  
  
She sat drinking some juice as the woman combed her hair… wait no….  
She knew her!  
  
"Buffy."  
"Hey." Surprise in her voice.  
"I… I..." Why can't I tell her what is going on?  
"It's all right. We can talk tomorrow. I just want you to rest." Buffy told her.  
  
I nodded my head. I honestly don't even know what I would tell her. I don't really know myself.  
Buffy kissed my cheek and tucked me into bed.  
  
"Goodnight Dawn. I love you."   
  
"Night."  
  
The door was closed and I was alone.  
Always alone the air seemed to breathe.  
Why do I not understand what is happening? Shouldn't I know?  
  
This has to be real. I am real. I breathe. I think. I live. But it all feels fake.  
  
Is this how Buffy feels since she has been brought back? Living a lie?   
I shouldn't be here.  
She shouldn't be here.  
We both should be dead. She died because of me. But it should have been me.   
I know I have done this to her before. So many times.  
Made her worry about me.   
Where had I gone? Was I hurt? Did I do it myself or some demon?  
She seems to be trying so hard to help. She has enough to deal with.  
I want to make it easier for her. I don't mean to be such a brat.  
At least I don't think I do…  
  
It would have been better for everyone if I'd never existed.  
  
Lately it feels like I am fading away.  
Willow never acknowledges me anymore. As if I am not even there.  
Xander has his moments where he just seems to forget I am in the room.  
When Giles calls he will talk to everyone but never me. Like I am not even on his mind.  
  
These occurrences are increasing. It used to be from time to time. Now it is everyday.  
I noticed it during the summer when she was gone.  
  
The only one who never ever forgot me was Spike.  
He was always there for me. I was never ignored or brushed aside.  
I think I was all he thought about. Maybe if he let himself think of others he would split apart.  
  
He didn't even think of himself. I know it. He would get so thin because he forgot to eat.  
Or he would return from patrolling with injuries that he never took care of.   
None of the Scoobies ever cared enough to help him.  
Even I would just… let it happen.  
  
I was suffering and didn't want comfort.  
He was the same.  
  
But things are different now. So different.  
I don't know him anymore. I don't know me. Anger and rage at both of us is all I seem to have.  
  
Why did he leave when Buffy returned? I needed both of them.  
  
I got neither.  
  
Buffy wasn't herself and Spike; it turns out, focused completely on her. Forgetting me.  
  
I try to go to him. See if he will just be with me again.  
But he isn't really even there.  
All I see is insanity in his eyes. Where there used to be laughter, mischief and strength.  
  
I want comfort. But he has none to give.  
  
Mother used to be the one who would be there when I needed her.  
I need her more than anyone.  
And she is gone forever. I will always need her. Just like I needed Buffy.  
Needing others has made me weak. But I don't know any other way.  
I want to be independent and strong but there are so many hurtles.  
  
He would give me advice. If he could. I know he would.  
  
I don't need his help. All he has done is hurt. Me and Buffy.  
  
Of course that isn't completely true…  
I don't know what to feel. And whatever that feeling should be, would it be real? Or forced?  
I am so exhausted of pretending to be happy. Of not caring that everyone leaves.  
The only ones who have returned came back so different that I don't know them.  
  
I am not the same girl I was two years ago. I know this.  
But I so wish I could go back to being her.  
The simpler happy times. Everything is life or death, pain or fear now.  
Even in school I can't be what I was. My friends don't know me.   
I can never let them see me. They would all turn away.  
  
I don't remember what made me decide that cutting myself was a good way to deal.  
I don't want to die. Not really.  
Maybe that is why I go to areas where I will be found…   
  
By the only person who can even remotely understand.  
If he can understand anything these days.  
  
I turn in my bed. I can hear Buffy walking around downstairs.  
When does she sleep?   
I go to bed while she is still up and then when I wake up she is already awake.  
Does she sleep?  
  
I close my eyes and hope that I will stop thinking long enough so that I can fall asleep.  
~  
  
  
Please review!   



	3. Dust

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
Written by BlueFern  
  
**Dust**  
  
I go as quietly as I can, down the stairs to the basement.  
It is so dark down here. Why are there hardly any lights?  
I get this horrible feeling every time I come down here.  
And I certainly don't feel any better once I find him.  
  
Sometimes it seems to take forever.  
The walls really must move.   
I always know my surroundings, wherever I am but it is different here every time I descend the stairs.  
  
There have been times where I hear him. And I can follow that to his location.  
But the last few times he has been silent. Staying quiet.   
  
I think this is one of those times.  
  
I wander around. Not calling out to him because I know he won't answer.  
Finally I see him crouched in a corner with his hand on top of his head.  
I have seen him in this position too much lately.  
Part of me feels immense guilt for his current situation.  
He went to change himself for me. He tried to better himself for my love.  
But all it did was destroy him.   
I destroyed him.  
  
We were both so bad to each other. But I now believe that we could have been good.  
If I wasn't so closed off to every real thing around me.   
  
Including his love.  
  
I let him in. But not really.  
I still don't understand how that is possible. I needed him but at the same time denied that need.  
Now he needs me but won't ask for help. And if he did I still don't know what I would say.  
I want to be the kind of person who will help those who need it.  
But I am scared of bringing him into my life. My feelings are just too raw.  
  
He looks up at me. Oh, he has been crying.  
  
Spike isn't supposed to cry!  
  
I sit down in front of him and reach a hand out to take his.  
  
"Don't!" He screeches and shuffles away from my touch. "Dirty. Filthy. Stained. Don't touch!"  
  
"Ok. No touching." He relaxes just alittle.  
We sit silently for awhile.   
  
I look at him. His eyes are not the Spike I knew. They are the eyes of a scared and tortured man.  
  
Will I ever see love and strength in them again?  
  
If I can forgive my best friend for murder how can I not forgive him?  
He has proven himself to be more than anyone ever believed he could be.   
I would use him for pleasure and pain. To feel. I wanted his body. Now I want him. But he is gone.  
  
He did it all for me.  
How do I deal with that?  
Will someone please tell me?  
  
"Are you hungry?" I ask.   
He looks away from me. I don't know what to say to him. Can he even understand me?  
He has moments where I swear he is the old Spike again. But they are so few.  
I have seen him pull himself out of his memories and insanity long enough to help me.  
Be my partner for a short time.  
  
He means so much to me.  
I don't want him to be this important. But he is.  
It took me too long to come to this simple fact.  
I need him.  
  
Is it too late? Can I save him?  
  
He has saved me so many times in so many different ways.  
I don't even think he knows that I would be dead without him.  
  
This summer was even harder than I ever expected it to be.  
His absence in my life was so terrible.  
Our last encounter so devastating to us both.  
But it seemed to have been so much worse for him than I ever imagined.  
I had been telling myself that his love wasn't true. He didn't feel.  
Everything was so incredibly wrong. I was wrong.  
  
But he was still my constant.  
  
Whatever I needed or wanted he would freely give.  
I just took too much from him, without giving any in return.  
  
He says he just wanted a crumb. He must have felt like I gave him one to go to such extremes.  
  
"Slayer. Why are you here?"  
Startled out of my thoughts, I stare at him. He is looking right at me with clear eyes.  
He looks like himself right now.  
Honestly seems perplexed that I am sitting here with him.  
  
"Umm. I wanted to see how you were. And take a break from the students."  
He nods his head. "Job stressing you out?"  
"Oh no. I love it. It is so much better than flipping burgers. I just…"  
He waits for me to continue.   
He is so patient with me. I have never been with him. Until recently that is.  
"They tell me their problems. And I don't really know what to say sometimes."  
"You can't make it all better with words. But you can lead them in the right direction." He tells me.  
"I don't think they will really listen." And I don't. Why listen to my advice?   
"They come to you don't they?" He answers.  
  
But what if I lead them the wrong way? I can't possibly have the right answers to their questions.  
I have been wrong about way too many things. How can I make it better for them?  
  
I am still putting the pieces of myself back together.  
  
"Yeah. They do."  
  
We sit silently once again.  
  
It takes time to heal. I desperately want to fix him.  
  
"Hungry? I brought you something." I take the container of blood out of my bag.  
"No no no no. Wrong wrong. Bad can't won't." He's lost again.  
"It's ok. Ssshhh. If you don't want it now that is fine. I will leave it over here."  
I place the container on a dust-covered cabinet.  
  
He is rocking now. Oh damn I didn't want to upset him.  
Am I helping at all being here? Maybe I make it worse?  
  
"Spike. You have to eat. There is nothing wrong with that."   
"I'll be good. I can be good. I can help. Fix the wrongs."   
"Yes you can. You have." I sit once again. Closer this time.  
"You helped Dawn. She is doing much better today."  
He looks up at me.   
  
Dust and scars. Sorrow and pain.  
  
He is so much more. I have to bring him back.  
"I should get going. I think my break is over."  
  
I want to stay longer but can't.  
He puts his hand back over his head. But has stopped rocking.  
  
"Bye Spike." I get up and head in the direction I came.  
~  
  
  



	4. Lost

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
Written by BlueFern  
  
**Lost**  
  
I sit listening to her clean the dishes.  
I feel useless. I want to help. But I am so tired.  
  
I slept late today and I stayed home from school.  
It was both nice and frightening to have the house to myself.  
I need time to think. To get myself together.  
But not having anyone here, in case I did something I shouldn't have, was difficult.  
  
Willow has gone back to school.  
Returning to her life. Having a life.  
And Buffy has a job that makes me proud.  
She gets to help people during the day now.  
  
I don't know if I am in my right mind all the time.   
Things get fuzzy and I don't know what is real anymore.  
I honestly think I might be disappearing.  
  
I was made up from memories basically.   
Well that plus Slayer blood and ancient powerful energy.  
  
Except I'm not. Not in her eyes.  
She has gotten so much better this summer.  
It still felt like she was missing something but she hid that from me.  
  
I was what was important.   
  
So much so that I felt slightly overwhelmed.  
I don't know what is better; distant-closed off Buffy or with-me-all-the-time Buffy.  
Can't they meet somewhere in the middle?  
  
I know I love her. But her continuing assurance that things are better feels false.  
I don't feel like I am getting better.  
Spike definitely isn't getting better.  
  
Maybe she has. Or she could just be faking it all.  
Would she understand if I told her I'm lost and that just maybe she can find me?  
I just don't know how.  
I don't know why I am lost or how I came to be.  
But it just feels that way to me.  
  
Why can't this feeling be fake like all my other feeling have become?  
I look back and know that I used to have genuine feelings.  
When I was happy, it was natural. When I was angry, it was real. When I was sad, it was true.  
But now the only real thing seems to be this loneliness and confusion.  
  
Being lost will destroy me. I have to find my way to whatever will save me.  
  
Spike is lost in his mind. His soul must be quite a burden.  
Maybe that is why I am fading away…  
  
I have no soul.  
  
Perhaps my energy is dissolving and me along with it?  
Maybe there isn't anything or anyone that can save me.  
Maybe that is for the best.  
  
What good will I ever do?  
I want to make a difference, make things better.  
I just don't believe that is possible.  
How do others live knowing they won't change anything?  
I could have.  
  
I could have saved the world.  
  
But she did.  
  
She should have lived. It would have been better for everyone.  
  
Am I someone worth dying for?  
  
She thought so then. I guess she still thinks that now.  
Really don't see what she sees though. Wish I did.  
Maybe I wouldn't be so messed up.  
  
I hear the radio volume turn down and the water stops running.  
"Dawn, do you want a glass of juice before dinner?" She calls from the kitchen.  
"I'm good." Not really hungry either but I'm not telling her that.   
She seems hell bent on feeding me all the time now.  
Huh maybe she is making up for not noticing me last year.  
I don't blame her. I'm not angry with her. Not anymore.  
  
I think I understand just a smidgen of what she has gone through.  
Of course now she doesn't get what I am going through.  
Probably because I don't talk to her.  
  
What if I tell her and my fears become reality and everything crumbles?   
  
Pretending it will go away might work…  
Or not. Considering things only seem to be getting worse.  
Maybe I should try and tell her.  
  
Where do I begin?  
  
I know she wants to help. I want her help.  
I am scared.  
I am falling apart and I don't know how to stop it.  
  
She walks into the living room and sits on the couch with me.  
"I made spaghetti and garlic bread! Yummy yumm!" She has a big smile on her face.  
"That sounds good." I flatly reply. I don't know if I can be excited about food.  
  
Or anything for that matter.  
  
"Come on. You can help me set the table." She gets up and extends her hand to me.  
"Ok." She gently pulls me up off the comfy couch and heads to the dining room.  
  
"Xander is coming. And so is Willow! At least she told me she would be here."  
She hands me the dishes and goes to get the silverware.  
"This is going to be a great dinner. Don't you think?"  
  
Wow she is really in a good mood. Considering last night…  
I answer her, "Yeah. It will be good to see them. They are both so busy lately."  
"We can catch up. Have a good time."   
Sometimes her smile can be contagious.  
  
She places the napkins down and waits for me to put the dishes in their places.  
"Things are going really good. My job is great! Willow has her own place now."  
  
Here she goes again. Telling me all the positive things.   
  
"Did you know that Xander has gotten promoted again!"  
"I'll have to congratulate him."   
"Let him tell you about what he does now. He's going to love telling you!"  
She laughs this little laugh. I don't get the joke.  
  
I'll probably get it later I'm sure.  
  
"Do you think we should call Giles tonight? See how he is doing. You can talk with him if you want…"  
Ok this is new. She never really wants to call Giles. He calls first.  
"Uh. Sure." Maybe I can see if he remembers me.  
  
The glasses are put around the table just as there is knock at the door and the timer in the kitchen goes off.  
"Can you get that? I need to drain the noodles. Thanks Dawnie."  
She heads to the kitchen.  
  
I really don't want to see them.  
I would have liked alittle more time to prepare for their dismissal of me.  
  
It hurts. Knowing they don't care. Or just don't remember caring.  
  
When did we start locking the doors anyway?  
It would be easier to call that the door was open and they can let themselves in.  
But now I have to come face to face with them.  
  
Willow still frightens me. She tried to kill me.  
Perhaps she has been…   
Maybe she did a spell? That is slowing making me vanish?  
Oh that is probably ridiculous.  
  
Now I am paranoid as well as confused. Great!  
  
I open the door and let Xander in.  
"Hi! How are you? You look rather wiped. Bad day at school?" He says handing me some cheese.  
I guess we were out of parmesan again.  
"I stayed home today. Didn't sleep well." I turn away from him and enter the dining room.  
I put the cheese on the table. Oh yeah this is going to be fun!  
  
"Oh well then, make sure to get to bed early tonight. I won't keep you up! Promise." He smiles at me.  
"Thanks." I just want to go to my room and be alone.  
  
But I can't leave. Buffy would be upset.  
  
She comes in carrying a big pan of pasta. "Hey Xander!"   
"Hi ya Buffy! Thanks for inviting me to dinner." He helps her put the pan down.  
"No problem. I don't get to see much of you lately. We miss you."  
"Yeah been really busy. Sometimes even forget to eat! Me forgetting to chow down! Ha!" He exclaims.  
  
Glad he finds himself amusing.   
  
"Just another reason for me to be thankful for the dinner. It looks great!" I am kinda hungry now…  
"There is more. Dawn can you help me please?"  
I follow her into the kitchen where she hands me a plate with garlic bread.  
  
"Are you all right? Do you need anything?" Sheesh! I must look as bad as I feel!  
"I'm fine. Just tired and hungry."  
"Well then lets sit down and start eating." She nudges me out the door.  
  
"Oh yumm garlic bread! Can I have one now or are we waiting for Willow?" asks Xander.  
"No Willow will probably be late, so lets dig in." Buffy says this as she puts the sauce down.  
  
I hope she doesn't make it. I feel better when she isn't around.  
  
"Great!" Xander starts to serve himself.  
The conversation is mostly between Buffy and Xander.  
I think they have noticed I am not in a talking mood.  
She seems disappointed that I am not enjoying myself.  
Maybe she thinks that having others around makes me feel better.  
But it doesn't.  
  
I should talk to her.  
Let her know why I am uncomfortable around everyone except her.  
Later. Soon.  
  
I will talk to her soon.  
~  
  
  
  



	5. Time

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
Written by BlueFern  
  
**Time**  
  
Some days still feel like forever.  
  
I remember coming back and just thinking how it never ends.  
  
I never end.  
I am always fighting. Always surviving.  
Even when I finished, I started again.  
  
I didn't have a say in this beginning. But I have in the past.  
I have taken hold of my life before.  
I ran away from home.  
Started new. Without a past or destiny.  
  
But I learned that my life is here.  
I can't escape it. Or ignore it.  
  
I killed the man I loved because of it.  
He came back though.  
From hell. Where I sent him.  
  
Still doesn't mean he was mine.  
He didn't return for me.  
He left. Hasn't returned.  
But the funny thing is…  
I don't want him to.  
  
The person he loved is dead. I can't bring her back.  
The person I am now is different.  
  
I am getting comfortable with the change.  
Took some terrible things happening to me and around me, for me to accept it.  
  
I don't think Dawn accepts who she is. She wants to be something else, someone else.  
She doesn't need to be. She is who she is. And I love her.  
But she has to go through this alone. As horrible a thought as that is…  
I will be there to help but I can't stop it.  
She has to make realizations about herself. It isn't an instant thing.  
Changing takes time. And she will have it. I will give it to her.  
  
Just like I will give it to him.  
  
I come down the stairs once again.  
I really hate this basement.  
Would he let me take him out of here?  
I will have to think on that further. This is not a move I can do lightly.  
I must protect Dawn first.  
  
I walk down the corridor.  
  
There is a room in my house. And I trust him. But he isn't completely himself right now.  
Even after what he tried to do, I trust him.  
Maybe I shouldn't. But I have for such a long time now that I can't just… stop.  
He has been there for me when others couldn't or wouldn't.  
  
He understands me.  
  
I have shown him the absolute worse of myself and all he ever does is ask for more.  
He still loves me. He knows me and he loves me.  
  
I used that to my advantage last year. Hurting him and using him.  
He knows that now. Maybe even then he knew. He still took it all. Anything I gave him.  
While others left because I didn't give them enough…  
  
He wants to be mine. But he already is.  
  
I don't know when that happened actually…  
But it did.  
  
He's mine.  
  
I just can't tell him that. Not until he can fully understand.  
I can't seem to find him today. I have searched all over.  
Did he leave? He knows I come to him. He wouldn't leave.  
This is taking too long. By the time I find him I will have to leave and find my way out of this maze.  
Another few minutes then I have to go.  
  
Maybe I should try something new.  
  
"Spike?" It isn't a shout or cry. Just a beckoning.  
I want to find him.  
  
Ever since I couldn't find him when I needed him to protect Dawn, from my best friend;  
I get this dreaded feeling that he has given up.  
That his never-ending devotion to me is gone.  
That he might be gone.  
  
I hear a rustling just down a ways.  
He doesn't usually hide.  
  
He stays hidden but he doesn't hide.  
  
"Spike?" Quieter now.  
I stop in front of a row of cabinets.  
I pull one forward and look around.  
  
There he is. Looking incredibly frightened.  
  
"Hey. It's ok. What are you doing back there?" I calmly ask.  
"They won't find me here." His voice is trembling.  
  
Then he changes from fear to terror.  
  
"Oh! But you found me!"  
"Yes I did. But I won't hurt you. And I will keep whoever is searching for you away. Alright?"  
He looks at me. Just then seems to realize it is me, not some ghost. "Yeah you will."   
"Good. Can you come out?"   
He stands up and comes around the obstacles of cabinets and desks.  
"Great. Very good. Now…" I trail off seeing his shirt is ripped in a new place.  
  
And I can see his chest. Where there are new cuts!  
  
"What did you do?" I can't really yell at Dawn right now but I sure as hell can at him.  
Does he think that hurting himself makes up for those he has hurt? It doesn't make me feel any better!  
  
He starts to back up really quickly.   
  
"Oh no! Don't run off." I advance toward him.  
"I have to! They demand my blood. I must give it back to them. It is theirs!"  
"No it is not! You have to stop doing this. Please." I plead with him.   
  
I can't have both of them bleeding themselves.  
He looks confused at what I have said.  
I reach a hand out to take his arm. Wrong thing to do.  
He backs up further and so fast that he hits the wall, hard.  
He falls to the floor where he cowers.  
  
"Spike." What do I say? I want him to stop but what right do I have to tell him that?  
But he is mine. He should do what I ask him.  
  
"I don't want you to be hurt."   
"The pain is real. Makes me real." He answers my pathetic attempt at affection.  
He has that haunted look in his eyes again.  
  
"Yes pain is real. But it isn't necessary. It doesn't make things better."  
This just makes it worse. Now he seems immensely upset.  
  
"You want to make things better, then you can't be doing this anymore." Maybe that will do something.  
"But they will be angry. I can't stop." He seems so sure this will make a difference.  
"Who are you more worried about making angry? Me or some stupid blood demanding ghosts?"  
  
He would always put me first. Hopefully that is the same even now that he has a soul.  
He is so different from Angel. He may be crazy but he is still Spike.  
  
My broken Spike.  
  
I am the reason he has done this. I pushed him to it without even meaning to.  
"Will you stop? I want you to stop."  
He seems torn but quietly answers, "yes."  
  
I sit down in front of him and put my hand out.  
He looks at it for awhile before he takes it.  
  
His touch. I have missed it more than I care to admit.  
He stares at our hands. As do I.  
His hands are the hands of a fighter and a lover.  
He will go into battle with only his fists and fangs. Just as he has told me.  
  
But his hands have also been there to pick me up and comfort me when I shove everyone else away.  
His hands have brought me more pleasure than any other.  
They have also brought pain.   
  
I look at my hands and only see the hands of a fighter.  
My hands are so small. But all they seemed to bring him was harm.  
Now I want to use them to lead him and heal him.  
  
"Spike. Will you let me help you?" He won't ask. I will.  
  
I never really asked for his help before. Just always expected him to give it.  
And he did. He was there for me. Even when I refused that help and took only what I wanted.  
Want and need.  
I have both for him but it has gotten so complicated now.  
I know he feels the same way. When has anything ever been simple between us?  
  
His love is real. I can't deny it any longer.  
And this is something that I both need and want.  
But is it right to take it from him? I don't know if I can return it.  
  
Can I love?  
  
What is love anyways? Do you know when you feel it?  
Is it always there? Just like I feel he has always been mine?  
I know he wasn't always mine but it feels like it.  
  
"I can't." He says.  
"No you can. I can. We can help each other." I insist.  
"Wrong. Don't." He is so quiet.  
"It is not wrong to want to help Spike. You want to help me… Why can't I help you?"  
  
He pulls his hand away.  
  
"Because I am wrong. I don't deserve your help."  
"You have helped me more than you know. Of course you deserve it!"  
He shakes his head.  
"Please let me help you. You don't even drink the blood I give you. Do you?"  
I never see the containers but I also know he is wasting away. He isn't eating.  
"Never hungry. You shouldn't bring it."   
  
This is pissing me off.   
"I can do what I want Spike. But then so can you."  
I sigh. I think I have stayed long enough.   
"I hope you change your mind. It would be for the best. I'll talk to you later."  
I get up and this time, don't leave the blood.  
  
I will see what he says tomorrow before making him do anything.  
I also should talk to Dawn tonight.  
The dinner didn't exactly go as I thought it would.  
But she did look at me like she wanted to say something.  
She just doesn't know how.  
  
Well maybe it is time to open up to her and see if she can follow my lead.  
~  
  
  



	6. Dance

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
Written by BlueFern  
  
**Dance**  
  
He knows where he is today. Sometimes he forgets.  
Can't remember how he got here. But this is home.  
He does remember being cleaner…  
  
But that doesn't matter right now.  
They have gone for now.  
Of course they will be back. He isn't alone for long these days.  
  
He recalls hating being left by himself. He always wanted attention.  
Now he just wants to be quiet and alone.  
But they come no matter how much he pleads for them to leave and not come back.  
They don't listen to him. But he does listen to them.  
He always does what he is told.  
  
He is a good boy.   
Bad man, but a good boy.  
  
He stays where he sits. Maybe he will get a few more minutes to himself before they return.  
  
She was here today. The real her.   
Wanted to help me. But I don't need help. I am fine.  
Learning slowly but I am fine.  
Don't need anyone's help. Especially hers…  
  
It would be wrong. She can't help me!  
No one wants to really help me anyways.  
Maybe it wasn't really her?  
  
He must have been dreaming again.  
  
Those dreams are worse than the ones filled with screams and blood.  
  
Blood.  
  
It is on his hands.  
He can see it!  
It will never come off. Nothing he does will clean him.  
He shoves his hands in his pockets.  
Don't look. Don't look.  
Stop thinking!  
Stupid idiot! Why did you do this? You thought you could fix things?  
She doesn't want you!   
She doesn't need you!  
She only comes down here to make sure you are where she can come kill you when she has the time.  
Only when she doesn't have something else to do.  
  
He moves away from the cabinets and begins to walk down the hall.  
He isn't looking where he is going. Just walking.  
  
She will never love you!  
No one can love a thing like you!  
Nothing you ever do will prove you worthy of love.  
  
She used you. She is done with you.  
  
He knows that. He still hopes. And obviously he dreams that she cares.  
But he knows she doesn't.   
  
Cracked and fractured.  
He can mend the breaks.  
Go to her and show he is different. She can love him now.  
  
The sharp pieces pierce his mind.  
  
She'll understand.  
He will give her his speech and everything will be fine.  
  
Everything will be forgiven.  
Mother forgave me for breaking that dish.   
Dru forgave me for losing that doll.  
It took time but it happened.  
  
This is the same…  
Right?  
  
I changed. Did what she wanted. Got what she told me I needed.  
  
Not going as well as I planned.   
But my plans always seem to fall apart.  
Just like last year.  
I thought I could bring her back. Make things better for her. Do what she wanted.  
All it did was slowly kill her.   
She said so herself.  
  
But she didn't. She isn't dead.  
I couldn't keep going if she was. The first time was so hard he doesn't know how he survived.  
  
He belongs to her. He'll do as she says, even if the others scream the opposite.  
  
Time has twisted itself.   
He knows that he has only been near her for a short time. Only years.  
It feels so much longer.  
  
But all his other memories are static.  
  
How long was he with Dru? It seems fleeting compared to his time with his Slayer.  
Static that makes him sick. He can see everything. Everyone.  
But it just collides together.   
Things don't stay clear for long.  
He can't grab on to those moments. They don't feel real.  
  
He isn't real.  
  
He wants to be. So badly.  
Be a real boy.  
Make the right decisions.  
Deserve to be hers.  
Make things right.  
He never wants to hurt anyone ever again.  
Never Never Never Never Never Never  
He has made sure.  
It will never happen again.  
  
"That's not true." Whispers a voice.  
"Yes it is!!" He yells.  
"You know what you are. What you do. You will do it again."  
"No no no! You're wrong! I won't ever!" He is desperate to believe himself.  
"You lie. Everyone knows. Admit it!" It says right in his head.  
"No." Now he whispers.  
  
Rocking helps. He doesn't know why.  
But the pain is less when he is slightly moving.  
  
"You will see. Nothing you do makes a difference."  
He jumps up and raves at the air. He throws desks at the walls.  
Knocks over the cabinets. Screams at the ghosts.  
"No! You are lying! It won't happen! I can be good!"  
  
They are gone. That doesn't usually happen.  
He is thankful for that.  
  
Shadows swallow him.  
  
His only light in this personal prison is her.  
She illuminates his dark world.  
He shouldn't be allowed.  
She glistens when she comes to him. The real one.  
Does she know?  
  
It was her. The last time.  
He held her hand. Heard her breathing.  
She was really here.  
What happened? Why did she leave this time?  
  
He must have done something wrong again.  
  
Always wrong.  
What did she want?  
  
Stop.  
  
Stop what? He can't remember!  
She told him to do something. He has to do it!  
He can't let her down…  
He has failed her so many times.  
He won't ever get a chance if he can't do what she tells him!  
He looks around the small area he is in.  
Looks at himself.  
Sees the cuts.  
  
He remembers!  
  
But how does he do that?  
He can't stop. It would be unfair for him to stop.  
They want his blood. They deserve what they want.  
He killed them.  
  
He has killed so many.  
  
It would be improper to refuse the ones you have wronged.  
Wouldn't it?  
  
But it is even worse to not do what she says.  
He won't do it again.  
He even told her so.  
He doesn't go back on his word.  
Never again.  
  
Too much happens when he can't fulfill his promises.  
  
All bad.  
But this time that won't happen.  
He can do this.  
Might be impossible but he won't let her down.  
  
He moves from the mess he made in the hall towards his room.  
The room she first found him in.  
That is where he stays most of the time.  
He always ends up going there anyway.  
  
The whispers are gone and so are the ghosts.  
  
Is this one of those clear moments?  
  
He wants to have one when she is here.  
Then she can talk to him and he will remember.  
He could tell her what he needs to.  
Their dance never ends.  
He used to enjoy it. Every part of it.  
  
But he doesn't know the steps anymore.  
He hopes she can teach him.  
  
He has been spiraling out of control.  
  
She wasn't even there.  
But she will be. She'll be back.  
  
And this time he will ask her for the tune.  
He will follow her. She always leads.  
~  
  
  
  
Thank you so much for the reviews! I appreciate it so much.   
I never thought anyone would like it. There are alot of great fanfics out there and this is my first.  
I wasn't sure if I should have put this up but I am very glad I have! ^_^   
  
  
  



	7. Voice

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
  
_ I now have a beta reader! Thank you so much Jessica! I really appreciate your help._  
  
  
**Voice**  
  
This should be easy.  
Talking shouldn't be painful.  
Too much of my life is made of pain.  
This shouldn't be.  
I want to make her feel better and be better.  
But I have to talk to her to do that.   
  
I sigh and walk into the living room.  
I have to talk to get better.  
To feel better.  
Thinking about it won't do anything.  
I love her. She is my sister. And she's suffering.  
I have to help her.  
I am a girl of action. I can do this.  
She sits on the couch. The television is on. She's not watching.  
It is just sound. The noise that may just keep you from thinking.  
Lately, I find I like the silence more and more.  
But I don't think I should. Not when my sister looks so isolated.  
"Dawn?"  
I need her. She isn't herself these days.  
She hasn't been herself for a while now.  
I can't let her stay this way.  
She looks up at me. Her face is blank.  
"Yeah." She dully replies.  
I sit next to her on the couch.  
Where can I begin?   
  
How do you fix something so broken that the pieces may never be put together?  
How did I start last year? I've begun to mend. So can she.  
I have to believe it.  
"I can't know how you are feeling."  
Does she know how hard I've tried?  
How hard it's been for me to…  
I had to try.  
So does she.  
  
Things can't stay this way.  
She doesn't look at me.  
"I want to know. I want you to tell me."  
She sits further into the couch.  
"Whenever you are ready."  
We sit quietly for awhile.  
"Would it help if I said something first?"  
  
Maybe if I let her know how different I am, she will see change is possible.  
Things can get better.  
She nods her head slowly.  
"The pain inside doesn't go away."   
Yeah, I know it isn't exactly the happiest thing to say.  
But it is true.   
Whatever she is going through. She will always feel it. It will always be with her.  
She needs to learn how to deal with it and continue living.   
It will make her stronger. Knowing she has succeeded in winning her personal battles.  
"I was numb for a long time Dawn. What I felt wasn't real." This is hard for me to tell her.  
I have only recently figured out what I was feeling last year. It can be rather complicated.  
Sometimes it makes sense in my head… but saying it out loud...  
"I didn't want to be alive. Except I had to be. For myself and everyone else."  
She is looking at me. I think she understands.  
  
~  
  
I thought she might have felt that way.  
It is scary to hear her say it though.  
I didn't do anything to help her last year.  
I was too involved with my own problems.  
But now that I look back, I don't understand why they bothered me so much.  
She was trapped and I did nothing.  
It's hard to say but… I don't think I cared, I looked at her and it was hard to believe it was Buffy.  
"I don't want you to destroy yourself." Is there even a me to destroy?  
She looks so sad. This has to be hard for her too.  
"I'm sorry. I wasn't what I should have been… when I came back."  
  
I shake my head. She shouldn't feel this way.  
"Don't be. I understand now. And I am sorry."  
She looks confused.  
"What do you have to be sorry for?"   
"I let you down. You told me to live. Live for you. I tried."  
I tried so hard. But it didn't work.   
I needed her. Especially since mom was gone. Home was never home without mom and Buffy.  
I was so happy when she came back. I thought I could stop trying.  
"I am trying now, too. But it feels like I am slipping away."  
"What do you mean?" She is really concerned.  
I don't know how to say it. Are there words for these feelings?  
"I don't really know how to tell you…"   
  
"Can you try?"  
I hope I can. I want her to understand. She can help. She **will** help.  
"Everything feels false. I don't know what is real anymore… Am I real?"  
"Dawnie, of course you are."  
  
She is about to say something else.  
"Have you noticed how others act around me?"   
  
She thinks for a moment.   
  
"I haven't noticed anything different…"  
"I am not being a spoiled brat when I say this, okay?"   
  
"Okay." She is willing to listen to me. Actually hear what I have to say. Wow, this is awkward.  
"There have been many times where I'm forgotten. Not just ignored. Forgotten."  
"I… not recently I haven't! I am sure of that…"   
  
"Not you. Them. You actually won't seem to leave me alone." I give her a smile.  
She chuckles. "Yeah. Overdoing it, aren't I?"  
"It's good. You are basically the only person I can stand being around."   
  
"And Spike?" She gives me this uncertain look. Like maybe she shouldn't ask.  
"He hasn't forgotten me. Even though he's crazy now."  
She is thinking now. Getting really serious.  
"I am not really sure what to say… How long have you felt this?"   
  
Oh boy. I don't know when this started. Where I got lost.  
It would be very nice to know. Maybe then I could fix myself.  
"I am not sure. It may have started after… when you… jumped."   
  
It was supposed to be me. That was my purpose.  
Things have been off ever since.  
And not just because she was gone.  
If it was only that, wouldn't it have gotten better when she came back?  
Shouldn't things have gone back to normal?  
I thought it would. I thought she would.  
But the person who came back wasn't the Buffy I knew.  
So I acted different. Didn't pay much attention to what was happening.  
And that's why I didn't notice when she actually was back.  
"I think I might be… I don't know… falling apart. The energy that made me could be disappearing…"  
  
"That isn't possible. That's not what you are anymore Dawn."  
  
"How do you know? Maybe I shouldn't have lasted this long."   
  
"You aren't the Key anymore, Dawnie. I will find a way to prove it to you."  
  
"Then why am I feeling this way?"  
She gets quiet.  
"You have been through a lot. More than any person should ever have to go through."   
  
I think that might be an understatement.   
"Same with you…"   
  
"It was different with me. It is different. But yes, in some ways, it's the same."  
She has been holding my hand for awhile now.  
"You are one of the few reasons that I am alive. Let me be what makes you real."   
  
She can. I know she will do everything in her power to help me.  
"You are real. Help me show you. Lets' help each other."  
She paused for a moment.  
"And lets help Spike."  
I didn't expect that. I don't know how I could help her or Spike.  
"What can I do?"   
  
"More than you know. Will you help me? I can't do this alone. I need you to help me."  
"I want to help. I want things to get better. You say it can."  
She hugs me.  
Her voice sounds like she's holding back tears.   
  
"It will. I know it will. I feel it."  
  
~  
  
  
Please Review! ^_^   
  
  
  
  



	8. Echo

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
  
_Thank you Jessica! You are a wonderful beta! I am glad you are helping me._  
  
**Echo**  
  
This is the last time I will ever come down these stairs.  
That's it, it's my new rule.  
I am never coming down here again.  
I am taking him out of here.  
Hopefully without force.  
I don't want to have to knock him out and carry him.  
I hopefully won't.  
He won't get better being down here.  
  
Dawn and I have talked about this.  
She is still angry with him. But she wants him better, too.  
She says she isn't mad at me anymore. I don't know if I should believe her.  
I am still mad at me.   
And I don't really know what to do to help her.   
  
I know more than I did yesterday. But it only seems to make it more difficult.  
One day at a time I guess.   
  
We have Willow's old room all set up for Spike.  
  
The windows are covered and we have some of his clothes that Clem gave us in the closet.  
We got some other stuff from his crypt. Whatever survived the explosion.  
Any items that he might have used to hurt himself have been removed.   
  
Especially the emergency slayer kit, with crosses and holy water.  
I don't know how far Spike is willing to go to please his ghosts.  
And I don't even know if they're real.  
So I am just taking every precaution.   
  
I have already gotten some blood for him.  
Everything is ready.  
All we need is our vampire.  
  
Once again I am here searching for him.  
I'll be so happy to never do this again.  
I think I have a plan on how to get him out of here.  
I am sure he won't want to leave.  
But he always ends up doing as I say.  
I am positive he will be out of here tonight.  
  
This place is a mess. Doesn't anyone clean around here?  
I kick some boxes out of my way and continue down the hallway.  
I really hope this doesn't take too long.  
I don't want to be away from Dawn for much longer.  
I would like to think she wouldn't hurt herself again.  
Especially after our talk.   
I think I'm a little reassured now.  
But I'll keep that in the back of my mind.  
  
Having Spike in the house will help her. Possibly.  
Although having a **sane** Spike in the house is even better.  
But I'm not getting my hopes up.  
  
It feels like it might help her.  
She hasn't told me much of that past summer.  
But I do know he was there for her.  
I never asked. Maybe I should.  
She told me some things that happened when we talked.  
How he'd kept the nasties away from her and guarded her at all times.  
But nothing specific.   
  
"Spike!" my voice echo's off the walls.  
Where the hell is he?  
Calm down. He's here. He didn't leave.   
He hasn't gotten up in days, there's no way he left.  
He isn't looking for me…  
He used to find me no matter where I went.  
No matter how fast I ran.   
I better get to him before he actually does do something.  
  
My emotions and thoughts are all over the place.   
  
One moment I am absolutely sure they will get better.  
I can help everyone.  
Then the next…  
I start to doubt.  
I start to fear.   
And I get so scared. I could lose them. Forever.  
I would have no one if that happened.  
Which is why I won't let it happen.   
  
I walk farther down the hall.   
  
Oh thank god! There he is.  
He is sitting perfectly still by the wall.  
Staring straight ahead. Completely oblivious to me running up to him.  
This can't be good.  
  
"Spike."  
He doesn't look at me.  
I sit down and calm my nerves.  
"What are you doing?"  
He isn't moving at all.  
"Spike. What are you doing?"  
He blinks.  
"Hey. Somebody's home." Trying to joke with him.   
"I'm being quiet." He whispers.  
"I can see that." I smile.  
"I'm safe… if I'm quiet."  
He's not safe? I know he is crazy… but what could be hurting him except for himself?  
This is going to be harder than I thought.  
I am so getting him out of here.   
  
"Well then I will be quiet too." I answer him in a whisper.  
"Thanks." He smiles.  
Oh that is so great to see him smile. He doesn't do it much.   
And this one is different from how he used to smile.  
Still makes me happy though.   
  
"Spike. I want you to come with me."   
  
"You need help?" he quietly asks.  
"In a way. You can help me. By letting me help you."  
"No." He shakes his head rapidly.   
Then abruptly stops, probably afraid that might be making too much sound.  
"Yes." I say.  
I wish he would just come with me out of this hole.  
This is not the place for him.   
Why does he think it is?  
"This is my home."   
  
"No it isn't."   
  
"I can't leave. This has always been my home."   
  
"No. It hasn't! This isn't your home."  
He is quiet again.  
"I have no where else to go."   
  
"I have a new home for you."  
  
I look into his eyes. He loved me to madness.  
I can see it. It has always been there. Love. Even after everything…  
"Come with me now." I quietly say.  
He looks terrified. Nods his head and slides up the wall.  
I put out my hand. See if he will help me up.  
He hesitates. Then takes my hand and lifts me up.  
  
"Lets go." I lead the way.  
We move down the hall and past the room where I first found him.  
"Umm… do you have anything you want to take with you?"  
He thinks about that. Enters the room and I hear rustling.  
A moment later he emerges with what looks like a few shirts in his hands.  
"Ok. Good." I smile at him and continue to the stairs.   
  
I can't hear him behind me but I can feel him.  
I guess I've always felt him.  
At first it was just because he was a vampire and my Slayer sense would kick in.  
But his presence has always been different.  
Somewhere along the time we have known each other… the feeling changed.  
It only intensified after we…   
  
My body sings when he's around.  
Every part of me hums and calls to him. For him.  
It isn't sexual… well, not all the time…  
I just connect with him. There has never been anyone like him.  
Even now that he is different.  
The feeling is still there.  
There are no words to describe this feeling.  
Sometimes I want it to just disappear.   
But I honestly don't know if I could live without it.  
  
He is quiet as we get in the car.  
"Seat belt." I say as I put mine on.  
  
He obeys and looks straight ahead.  
I am about to tell him where I am bringing him when he yells out.   
  
"Stop! Leave me alone!"  
"Huh?"  
"I can't hear you. I can't hear you…" He keeps repeating in an almost inaudible voice.  
"Spike. What are they saying?"  
He shakes his head and covers his ears.  
Unbuckling my seat belt, I lean over and take his hands away.   
  
He jumps and looks at me.  
I won't let go of his hands.  
"Spike. What are they saying?" I gently ask.  
"I… I can't. Please don't. I can be good."   
  
"I know you can. What do you think I am going to do?"   
  
"Burn. They say you will burn me. Leave me to the sun."  
  
"No. I would never do that!" I firmly tell him.  
Whatever these things are, they're really messing with him.  
"Let me go back." He pleads with me.  
"I am bringing you home. Where you will be safe. And be with me and Dawn."  
"No. NO. You can't. I can't…"   
  
"I can! And I am! You are coming with me. And staying with me!" I tell him.  
He tries to pull his hands away from me.  
"Stop that."   
He does.  
"Listen to me. You need help. And you aren't getting better in that basement."  
  
He is looking right at me.   
"You may not think you deserve my help, but you do. You have helped me. Now it is my turn."  
  
I let go of his hands and move back to my seat.  
"It's not a long drive. We will be there way before sunrise. You're safe."  
  
He watches me as I drive.  
I don't think he ever thought I would really help him.  
Can't he just snap out of it? Tell me it was an act?   
I miss Spike. I have him with me and I miss him.   
  
~  
  
  
  
  
  



	9. Change

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
  
Authors Note: I am sorry it has taken me so long to update. I just had to finish my other story before the show ended. And since then it has been hard for me to write.  
But I finally got a chapter done! Feedback would be really great. ^_^  
  
_Thanks for betaing my story Jessica._  
  
**Change**  
  
I hear the car come up the driveway.  
I'm nervous. Very nervous.  
I don't want to mess this up… although I know I can.  
Could do some little thing and ruin all of Buffy's plans.  
One word and I could send him running,  
But I don't want that to happen.  
He needs help just as much as I do.  
  
And I miss having him around.  
  
Buffy knows what to do. Whatever she does is going to make it better.  
I still don't understand how I can help but I am willing to give it a shot.  
  
Knowing how she felt last year and connecting with her was what I needed.  
Things don't seem so horrible anymore. I feel better.  
Not so lost.  
I'm not alone.  
Maybe she was right and I will get better.  
  
Maybe even he can get better.  
  
They have been out there for a long time… Aren't they coming in?  
I peek out the window and see Buffy at the passenger side window,  
Talking, coaxing, Spike out of the car.  
The car door opens and I move back to my seat on the couch.  
  
I need to calm down. Spike will sense if I am scared, or worried, or angry…  
He picks up on things too much. It gets annoying.  
Sure, sometimes he just leaves me be but other times he tries to get it out of me.  
I end up telling him, of course.  
But, you know, maybe it isn't annoying…   
Usually he'd be the only one who knew something was wrong.  
Everyone else was blind to my pain.  
Or too wrapped up in their own to notice.  
  
The front door opens and Buffy steps through followed by Spike.  
He's carrying a bunch of clothes and looking at the floor.  
"Hey, Dawn?" she calls.  
"I'm out here." I answer.  
She smiles, gently takes Spike by his upper arm and leads him to the living room.  
"Hey." I start.  
He shifts uncomfortably.  
"Hey…"  
He looks just like he did when he found me, dirty and tired.  
Except now he is scared. Of her? Of himself?   
Scared of change?  
Because everything will change. But this time, for the better.  
  
"Want to sit down?" I easily ask.  
Buffy lets him go and he looks at both of us, at his clothes and then the couch.  
He moves to sit down when Buffy stops him, "I'll take those." She smiles at him.  
"Uh… ok." He hands her the pile and continues to stand.  
  
"You can sit, Spike. I'll be right back."   
And she is out of here and up the stairs before he moves again.  
  
The nervous feeling is gone. I'm left with sadness.  
He's as lost as I am.  
  
I take his hand, which makes him flinch,  
I let go.  
"Sorry." I quietly say. And move back into the cushions.  
"It's all right." He shrugs it off. And sits at the opposite end of the couch.  
  
The silence is painful.  
He won't say anything.  
I don't know what to say.  
Maybe something simple, "Spike."  
He was seriously examining the threads in the couch arm when he suddenly looks at me.  
"What?" He replies like he's in his own little world.  
I turn in my seat so I sit cross-legged with my back to the front door, facing him.  
"Thanks."  
He looks stunned and doesn't understand what I mean.  
He used to know. I wouldn't have to explain things when I talked with him.  
That's changed as well I guess.  
Unfortunately, that makes it harder…  
  
"For helping me." I went to him for a reason.  
Just like he is here, with us, for a reason.  
  
He gives me a small smile and let's the stiff posture go, slumping into the cushions.  
The silence is fine now. I don't mind. He doesn't have to say anything.  
  
I look up from watching him and see Buffy sitting on the stairs. Observing us.  
She gives me a shy smile and rises.  
"Well, let's show Spike his room."  
  
~  
  
  
Please review.   
  
  
  



	10. Untouchable

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
  
**Untouchable**  
  
We bring Spike to his room and wait for him to…do something.  
But he just stands in the doorway.  
  
I can see that Dawn is actually excited that he's really here.  
I was worried that she would change her mind.  
That what we've went through would resurface.  
Seeing them sitting on the couch together was… It seemed right.   
  
Bringing him here was the right thing.  
  
I watch as he enters the room and looks around.  
Dawn is showing him where we've put his clothes and things.  
Trying to talk to him all the while.  
It's wonderful to see her cheerful.  
  
"Oh and Clem says hi!" She smiles at Spike.  
  
He gives her a small smile in return.  
  
He's thin… and dirty. But he's acting like Spike.  
A quieter Spike. But it's better than the crazy version.  
  
I'm not sure what I should do now.  
  
I know he won't eat.  
And that he's scared,  
Maybe even angry.  
But he's here. And that's all I need for now.  
  
It's late for Dawn and I, but it's early for vampires.  
But Spike has always been unique,  
Keeping weird hours and eating human food.  
I have no idea when he sleeps.  
But it's been an exhausting day and I think we could all use a good night sleep.  
Doesn't mean it'll happen…  
  
I sigh and look at Spike.  
  
"How about we get you cleaned up?"  
Clean some of that dirt off. Make him more like himself.  
  
And he crumbles. Shit. He wasn't doing as well as I thought.  
  
"Never clean. Dirty. Filthy. Never clean always dirty always…"  
  
Dawn stands by shocked and concerned.  
Spike crouches down and grabs his head.  
Maybe I've been doing this wrong?  
  
"I can bring you a bowl of water and a wash cloth? How about that?"  
"Wrong. Wrong. Vile. Foul, unclean…monster."  
  
He begins hitting his head on the wall.  
I move over to stop him from hurting himself. And denting the plaster...  
  
"Dawn? Can you get those for me?"   
"Sure." She chokes out and leaves the room.  
  
"Spike. Please don't do that."   
He continues.  
I move to take his hand and he jumps away.  
"Don't!" He's on the other side of the room now. Pacing and muttering.  
  
Why did I think I could handle this? I don't know what I'm doing.  
  
Once again I try to stop Spike from his frantic moves.  
He growls at me; something I haven't heard in a long time.  
  
He won't let me touch him. He doesn't want me near him.  
  
I'm not going to cry… Nope, not gonna cry…  
  
This is horrible. He looks like a caged animal.  
I'm standing in front of the door; the only exit.  
But I know he won't leave. We've gotten this far already.  
  
"Buffy?"  
Dawn has returned with the bowl and towel. Concern still evident in her expression.  
  
"Stay there Dawn. Everything's going to be fine." God I hope so...  
  
Spike has slid down the wall again and continues to babble.  
  
"Spike. It's OK. I only wanted you to wash up before we went to bed…"  
How do I make this better?  
"It's all right if you don't want to…"  
  
"Buffy? Maybe I can try?" Dawn whispers to me.  
I feel myself nodding my head in reply.  
  
She crosses the room and sits down in front of Spike. He watches all of this.  
I can't hear what she says to him but he looks back down at the floor.  
  
Dawn doesn't even attempt to touch him.  
She places the items in front of him and waits.  
  
Spike turns to the side,  
"Shut UP!"   
His sudden outburst makes me jerk back.  
  
"Don't listen Spike. Whatever it's saying, just don't pay attention." Dawn confidently says.  
He shifts uncomfortably and looks at his hands.  
I can see him shudder but he grabs the bowl.   
He begins to furiously clean his hands. Rapidly brushing at his palms.  
"Easy." Dawn tells him. He slows down.  
  
She looks back and gives me a shaky smile.  
I move toward them but Spike's still untouchable.  
  
He'll need more than just his hands cleaned, but we'll wait for that another day.  
  
I guess there just aren't any easy solutions.  
  
~  
  
  
_Thank you to everyone who has reviewed, especially **Mer**._ ^_^   
_Knowing there are people who want more of my story has helped me keep writing._  
  
Next chapter coming soon. Hopefully...  
  
  
  
  



	11. Erase

**Putting the Pieces Back**  
  
**Erase**  
  
It's strange what you can remember.  
Little things.  
My mothers smile.  
My fathers laugh.  
The smell of pancakes.  
The feeling of sand between my toes.  
Nights just being with family, both of my families.  
Days when the world didn't end…  
So many things big and small.   
Events, people, feelings, tastes… Everything.  
Some things you try desperately not to forget. You never want to forget.  
  
Then there are moments I know I should remember,  
But no matter how hard I try; they're just not there.  
I'm still missing parts of myself. I feel it.  
Just little things that no one else would ever care about.  
  
Of course there are things I'd do anything to forget…  
Portals, betrayals, harsh words that cannot be unheard,  
Knives and dark haired sisters, body-switching experiences,  
The darkness in me…  
An alley…  
  
I do remember everything that happened that night…  
It was a messed up night; hell it was a messed up year!  
I was out of my mind. I don't really believe I'd do what I did if I wasn't.  
If I really am that kind of person… I don't know what I'd…   
  
I shouldn't have this power.  
It can so easily be abused.  
Just like he was so easy to abuse…  
  
Forgive and forget.  
  
I can forgive. I've learned. Or had to… Or I'm still learning…   
But I can't forget.  
I watched my friends and myself, fall apart.  
I didn't seem to have the power or maybe the will, to stop it.  
But I won't let that happen again.  
  
He's upstairs in his room.  
It was an uneasy night. I hardly slept; I don't think any of us did.  
Dawn's quiet this morning, eating her cereal and looking frayed.  
We can both hear him.  
He isn't exactly quiet. Moving around and talking to nonexistent people.  
  
I spooked him when I went to check on him earlier.  
And neither one of us could calm him down.  
  
"Do you think he's hungry?" Dawn asks.  
"Probably." I just have no idea how to get him to eat!  
  
"He likes Weetabix. And Cinnamon Toast Crunch…" She trails off.  
I smile at her. "We can get those for him."  
  
"Now?" She happily asks.  
"Umm… I don't,"  
"I can go myself." She quickly suggests.  
  
I don't want to leave him alone, not just yet anyway.  
I've taken the day off from work and Dawn's missing a day of school.  
I was hoping to get him to shower…  
Might be better if Dawn wasn't here when I tried.  
  
"Sure. I'll get you some money." She grins at me.  
"Enough for you to get something too." I laugh as I leave the kitchen.  
  
She's gone in a few minutes and I head upstairs.  
This isn't going to be easy…  
  
I set up the bathroom so there's towels and shampoo for him.  
All the while listening to his one sided conversations.  
  
It's eerie. He's apologizing and pleading with these ghosts.  
Ghosts of his victims.   
He's silently begging for forgiveness; for sins committed.  
He doesn't actually ask. Knows he won't get it.  
Not from them anyway…  
  
"Spike?" I gently push the door open and enter.  
He's sitting against the bed with his head in his hands.  
  
"Hey, we'd like you to come down for breakfast…"  
He shakes his head. And his mouth is moving with unheard words.  
"Think you can do that?" I move further in and look around.  
He looks up, stops his silent litany and watches me.  
"Spike?"  
He looks down at the ground.  
"I'm not hungry."  
I knew he'd say that. I sigh and move to the bed.  
He shifts over as I sit down.  
  
"Dawn's gone to get you some wheat thingy. You sure you won't come down?"  
A tiny smile crosses his lips and he looks toward me again.  
  
"How about you take a quick shower? Wash your hair?"  
He shudders, looks out the open door then gets up and begins to pace.  
  
"You'll feel better…" I know I do. Being clean and fresh…   
I sigh knowing he won't feel that way.  
  
"Can't." He pitifully says.  
  
He's on edge. I can see that.  
Most likely reliving that night. Probably has been for some time now.  
I've had dreams, nightmares. Just a few.  
But they always end with her hurting him worse than he ever hurt her…  
Just like in that alley.  
  
I never apologized. I don't know if I should.  
Would it make any difference?  
  
I wish that it never happened.  
That he never snapped. But I pushed him to the breaking point.  
I didn't believe he had one…  
He was indestructible. The one thing of hers that would never leave, break or die.  
I was so horribly wrong.  
  
I've done so many things wrong…  
  
"Spike… I'm not easily scared; you know that. You scared me that night."  
He grabs his head and digs his fingers into his scalp.  
"But that was then. I'm not scared of you or myself anymore."  
He tries to look at me but just can't seem to meet my eyes.  
"You've changed. Got your soul," He cuts me off with a whisper.  
"It doesn't erase..." He can't finish.  
"I know that. But… it… it's something. It's a start."  
I wish I was better with words…  
  
He stands in the center of the room taking in what I've said.  
  
"So? Shower? Then breakfast?" I soothingly ask.  
  
He wearily nods his head and moves to leave the room.  
He looks back at me and I smile encouragingly.  
"The shower is all ready. I'll be in the kitchen."  
  
~  
  
  
Review! Please? ^_^  
  
  
  
  



End file.
